HOW DO YOU LIKE TO BE SEEN IN SHORTS?

Actually...in what type and which position and/or situation?

     Sasha: Welcome to my fourth episode of Faces Down.

     Today, the main questions I have not only for my guests but for the members of my audience as well are "How do you like to be seen while wearing shorts? What type would you like to be seen in? What type of position would you prefer to be viewed in? What type of situation would you prefer to be viewed in?"

     My preferred answer is:

     I like to be viewed publicly in a pair of either mid-thigh or knee-length shorts, wearing white athletic knee socks and sneakers. My favorite position would be laying face down with my hands tied securely behind my back and my feet bound tightly at my ankles. As for my favorite situations...there is where the problem lies.

     When I am at home alone with my three sons, I prefer to have them chomp down upon the meaty parts of my legs...like my thighs and calves...and have them kiss and lick my nicely-formed kneebacks---like Pooka and his friends did on my show last week when we celebrated his eighth birthday party and goodies were dumped upon the back of my legs and he and his friends ate them off my legs. Of course, though, one of his friends got a little over-anxious and bit down on my meat.

     Another situation was when I was shopping during a mens' day at a supermarket and the urge came upon me to lay face down in the aisle with my hands slapped against my thighs. The store manager called out on the PA system of what I was doing. From everywhere in the store, boys and men came and watched as I lay there with the lower half of my thighs and my kneebacks facing the ceiling. When the urge subsided, I rose to my feet, accepted a Wet Ones wipe with which to clean the dust off the front of my thighs and knees, bowed to the others as they applauded my "show" and finished my shopping. What pleasure that was!

     Another situation which comes to my mind are the death dreams which I have had since I learned to appreciate my legs when I was 14---my Nazi death dream, my death dreams during my five-day train trip from Moscow to Vladivostok, etc. They were such delicious forms of dying while I was dressed in shorts...and all with my kneebacks either facing the ceiling, sky or the viewing public while I was hanged, shot, decapitated or burned...and all with my viewing public coming forward to kiss my kneebacks before I died!

     And which situation can outdo these when you are having your friends and strangers thrust pins into your kneebacks? That is total bliss!

     And now...it is the time for my guests to tell me about their experiences! Casper?

      Casper: I'm just like you, Sasha. My favorite position is face down at attention in an open field, dressed in mid-thigh shorts and white below-the-calf socks and sneakers with my kneebacks facing a cloudless blue sky or on my bed with just my son, Cappy, and my male friends...like you...standing over me, chomping on my beefy thighs and calves and kissing and licking my sweet kneebacks.

      Sasha: But what is your favorite situation?

     Casper: Sometimes, I dream of being hanged with a hood over my head, my hands tied behind my back and my feet tied together...wearing shorts and below-the-calf socks and being short-dropped through a gallows' trapdoor and doing a 180 in front of my viewing public, who applaud when my kneebacks face them and my death throes ripple through my thighs and calves. It's something that I wish the children would see as well. It would be thoroughly educational for them to see how a person is executed.

     Sasha: That sound like a perfect death dream. What about you, Emile?

     Emile: Give me any kind of shorts, Sasha, and I'm happy. The way I would prefer to be dressed was the way I was dressed in Into the Wild. The first time the movie viewers saw me wearing shorts was in the beginning where I burned all my money and credit cards and started to trek out on my own. I wore mid-thigh shorts, black mid-calf socks, chukka boots and a windbreaker, showing my kneebacks to the audience as I walked away from the miniature conflagration. If I were to die like Chris McCandless did, I would dress in the same clothing and lie face down on the floor of the bus, with the bus door open to invite wolves in to dine on my dead meat.

     Sasha: Fantastic, Emile! That's the best way to go...leaving your body---especially your naked legs---available to feed the wildlife. Kudos to you! What about you, Tad?

     Tad: I would love to see the looks on the faces of boys and men as I walk around L.A., dressed in a kilt like I wore in American Pie presents Band Camp. I must have had guys of all ages ogling me as I marched up and down with my legs naked down to just below my knees, playing the bagpipes as I did. There must have been plenty of tongues smacking their lips when my back faced the camera and they got an eyeload of my thighs and kneebacks.

     Sasha: Fine. But what kind of situation would you prefer to be seen in?

     Tad: I would wish that I was back in 17th century Scotland about to be beheaded for treason. My body would lie face down on a slab while the executioner chops off my head. It sure would look great if my legs were flopping around in death throes while the executioner raises my head and shows it to the male populace, allowing the blood to drip on the back of my meats as they come to a dead stop.

     Sasha: Oh, Tad...you really know how to describe death with naked legs with such ferocity and beauty.
What do you all think, guys?

     The all-male audience rises to their feet and applauds the ways my guests describe dying with their legs naked for all to see.

     Join me next week...when my guests and I will be joined by Baruch Sadaf, the owner of Sadaf Foods of Los Angeles, who will demonstrate kosher cooking.