THE PLEASURES OF MASTURBATION

This look of pain would soon become one of pleasure

     Welcome back to Faces Down...the show where not only my guests and I, but the male studio audience as well, dress in shorts and relinquish their rights to have anything done to their kneebacks on close-circuit television.

     Today's subject...male masturbation.

HOW DO YOU LIKE TO BE SEEN IN SHORTS?

Actually...in what type and which position and/or situation?

     Sasha: Welcome to my fourth episode of Faces Down.

     Today, the main questions I have not only for my guests but for the members of my audience as well are "How do you like to be seen while wearing shorts? What type would you like to be seen in? What type of position would you prefer to be viewed in? What type of situation would you prefer to be viewed in?"

     My preferred answer is:

     I like to be viewed publicly in a pair of either mid-thigh or knee-length shorts, wearing white athletic knee socks and sneakers. My favorite position would be laying face down with my hands tied securely behind my back and my feet bound tightly at my ankles. As for my favorite situations...there is where the problem lies.

     When I am at home alone with my three sons, I prefer to have them chomp down upon the meaty parts of my legs...like my thighs and calves...and have them kiss and lick my nicely-formed kneebacks---like Pooka and his friends did on my show last week when we celebrated his eighth birthday party and goodies were dumped upon the back of my legs and he and his friends ate them off my legs. Of course, though, one of his friends got a little over-anxious and bit down on my meat.

     Another situation was when I was shopping during a mens' day at a supermarket and the urge came upon me to lay face down in the aisle with my hands slapped against my thighs. The store manager called out on the PA system of what I was doing. From everywhere in the store, boys and men came and watched as I lay there with the lower half of my thighs and my kneebacks facing the ceiling. When the urge subsided, I rose to my feet, accepted a Wet Ones wipe with which to clean the dust off the front of my thighs and knees, bowed to the others as they applauded my "show" and finished my shopping. What pleasure that was!

     Another situation which comes to my mind are the death dreams which I have had since I learned to appreciate my legs when I was 14---my Nazi death dream, my death dreams during my five-day train trip from Moscow to Vladivostok, etc. They were such delicious forms of dying while I was dressed in shorts...and all with my kneebacks either facing the ceiling, sky or the viewing public while I was hanged, shot, decapitated or burned...and all with my viewing public coming forward to kiss my kneebacks before I died!

     And which situation can outdo these when you are having your friends and strangers thrust pins into your kneebacks? That is total bliss!

     And now...it is the time for my guests to tell me about their experiences! Casper?

      Casper: I'm just like you, Sasha. My favorite position is face down at attention in an open field, dressed in mid-thigh shorts and white below-the-calf socks and sneakers with my kneebacks facing a cloudless blue sky or on my bed with just my son, Cappy, and my male friends...like you...standing over me, chomping on my beefy thighs and calves and kissing and licking my sweet kneebacks.

      Sasha: But what is your favorite situation?

     Casper: Sometimes, I dream of being hanged with a hood over my head, my hands tied behind my back and my feet tied together...wearing shorts and below-the-calf socks and being short-dropped through a gallows' trapdoor and doing a 180 in front of my viewing public, who applaud when my kneebacks face them and my death throes ripple through my thighs and calves. It's something that I wish the children would see as well. It would be thoroughly educational for them to see how a person is executed.

     Sasha: That sound like a perfect death dream. What about you, Emile?

     Emile: Give me any kind of shorts, Sasha, and I'm happy. The way I would prefer to be dressed was the way I was dressed in Into the Wild. The first time the movie viewers saw me wearing shorts was in the beginning where I burned all my money and credit cards and started to trek out on my own. I wore mid-thigh shorts, black mid-calf socks, chukka boots and a windbreaker, showing my kneebacks to the audience as I walked away from the miniature conflagration. If I were to die like Chris McCandless did, I would dress in the same clothing and lie face down on the floor of the bus, with the bus door open to invite wolves in to dine on my dead meat.

     Sasha: Fantastic, Emile! That's the best way to go...leaving your body---especially your naked legs---available to feed the wildlife. Kudos to you! What about you, Tad?

     Tad: I would love to see the looks on the faces of boys and men as I walk around L.A., dressed in a kilt like I wore in American Pie presents Band Camp. I must have had guys of all ages ogling me as I marched up and down with my legs naked down to just below my knees, playing the bagpipes as I did. There must have been plenty of tongues smacking their lips when my back faced the camera and they got an eyeload of my thighs and kneebacks.

     Sasha: Fine. But what kind of situation would you prefer to be seen in?

     Tad: I would wish that I was back in 17th century Scotland about to be beheaded for treason. My body would lie face down on a slab while the executioner chops off my head. It sure would look great if my legs were flopping around in death throes while the executioner raises my head and shows it to the male populace, allowing the blood to drip on the back of my meats as they come to a dead stop.

     Sasha: Oh, Tad...you really know how to describe death with naked legs with such ferocity and beauty.
What do you all think, guys?

     The all-male audience rises to their feet and applauds the ways my guests describe dying with their legs naked for all to see.

     Join me next week...when my guests and I will be joined by Baruch Sadaf, the owner of Sadaf Foods of Los Angeles, who will demonstrate kosher cooking.

HAPPY 8TH BIRTHDAY, POOKA!

See my delicious-looking meats? Well, today they take second billing!

     Yes, that's correct. My legs will not take top billing on this day's presentation of Faces Down. The reason is that today...October 5th...is the eighth birthday of my son Peter, whom I affectionately call Pooka. No, it's not a nickname...it's a pet name, actually. I got the name from the flappy-eared dog in the animated 1997 film Anastasia. I liked the name so much that I just had to give it to my middle son.

     The actual reason why my legs will take second billing is that, in honor of my son's birthday, his party will be televised on my show. While I'm laying face down on a table, Pooka and his male friends shall be dining on sugar-free cake and frozen yogurt which the show's caterer, Chef Joseph, will be ladling all over my thighs, calves and kneebacks. Oh, I can hardly wait to feel those pre-pubescent tongues licking the goodies from my legs...and occasionally taking nips from them with their tiny teeth!

     With two lengths of waxed cord, Carl (my co-host) will tie my hands tightly behind my back and my feet tightly together at the ankles. He will then check the crack between my legs (Oh, how I love it when his hands touch my meats!) to make certain that none of the cake or yogurt will go down the inner sides of my legs...otherwise, the little "munchkins" will have to try to force their tongues between them to lick whatever food goes down there. Not that I wouldn't mind. The mere thought of it is just enough to force me to cum in my shorts!

     When the show gets started, the boys are led into the dining area on the stage...and to the banquet on my tanned legs. Once they get started, I can actually start hosting my show again. As I introduce my famous guest stars...my best friend Casper Van Dien and actors Emile Hirsch and American Pie presents Band Camp's Tad Hilgenbrink...I hear a pair of over-anxious teeth click together and feel it as well as they fully bite the tender skin of my left kneeback.

     "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh" I cry out in ecstasy as that which I wished would happen to me on TV actually did occur. Burying my face in the plush pillow which I previously placed on the table for such an occurrence, I mumble "Please don't break the skin. Leave some meat alone for my guests to taste".

     As the party begins to wind down, I can feel most of the youngsters licking the remains of the birthday treats off my legs. At the break, Carl leads them offstage...and me as well---so that I can wash off the remains of the goodies and check to see if any real damage was done to my left kneeback.

     "Thank God!" I exclaim, as I notice that only teeth marks were left to bear witness of one of my son's over-anxious friend's bite. There was an indentation...but none of the skin was broken. If it was, I would never be able to wear shorts on my show until it healed. Teeth marks I can live with...because showing them to the live and televised audience meant that even young nippers love my legs well enough to take a bite out of them.

     I change into a pair of mid-thigh tennis shorts and white below-the-calf socks and return to the stage for the second half of the show. Before taking my seat beside Casper, Emile and Tad (who are all resplendently attired in shorts), I turn my back to the camera so that my viewing audience can see the teeth marks on my left kneeback. The audience applauds that no real damage was done to my kneeback.

     Now, in this second half of the show, my guests get to lick the back of my legs as I stand up and fall face down before them with my hands at my sides. Casper, Emile and Tad pounce upon my meats as I look up at the camera and tell my viewers that, after the commercial, I shall be getting my licks in as Casper, Emile and Tad will change places with me...and I will get to lick their meats!

     At the end of the show, I announce who will be my guests on my next show...as well as what type of shorts I will wear. I don't really care what kind of shorts my guests will wear...as long as they are not the baggy mid-calf type.

     Till then...

...as Julia Child used to say on her weekly TV show, The French Chef...

...BON APPETIT!